i am not sure what it is that i have lost

It was very early on that I first felt it. I can't remember the very first time, but it was there during my entire childhood. It is a feeling, an experience. I remember thinking it felt as if it was descending from the four corners of my ceiling. It is invisible. It is tiny but can become engulfing. There was something about it that always made me think of a bubble.

It descended upon me often. At first, it elicited only terror, and then it would be gone. I began to realize that I could force the experience to be gone and with this realization I began to allow it to stay longer and descend lower.

It has weight. It threatened to be suffocating weight, but I could balance it at a point just above suffocation that was comforting. The temptation to let it drop was always there, but I lacked the courage.

It is gone from me now. It came to me less frequently after I moved from the house where I grew up. Now it has been years, maybe a decade, since it has been with me, and I miss it.